you are fast asleep in your swing as a i write this, awaiting the moment when you open your eyes and realize i am not around and start to fuss. you will be six weeks old tomorrow and these first six weeks have been the most difficult and emotional i have ever been in my life. i was battling exhaustion, sleep deprivation, anxiety and fear all rolled into one.
you are not an easy baby to say the least but you came out smiling from the get go so i know somewhere deep down you are a happy content baby. it is just being masked right now by the regular fussiness that comes the first few weeks of life. as your daddy puts it, you are going through growing pains. you love to be held and rocked and sometimes holding you does not even appease you. these are the moments i find most difficult.
however, at some point in your sixth week, i have felt more bonded to you in some way. i sometimes walk around crying, not from exhaustion like the first few weeks but from love. i cannot believe you are mine and last night, in between screaming fits, you just looked at me and started to smile and coo as if to say, "it is ok mom, i am just being a baby right now. things will get better and i love you", before you started to cry again. i love laying in bed with you nursing as you fall asleep. i love watching you sleep and stroking your cheek and i miss you and can't wait to hold you again. even if i get frustrated at your neediness at wanting to be held, i miss it when you aren't in my arms. crazy right.
well i just want you to know that i love you with all my heart and cannot wait to get to know you more as these weeks go by.
goodbye my love!!
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